Support Calls
This call went great. It was a little shorter than usual because I’m leaving for Las Vegas today. We had some good questions though. They are these: 1st: Not finished with major maintenance chore and SODAS during 24 hours. What happens then? 2nd: What to do on low energy days when it’s so difficult to catch and do corrections? 3rd: Rule of Three question – Where to start if child hasn’t completed first consequence, yet seems to be out-of-instructional-control? 4th: Damage to sibling’s journal or other handmade item. What do I do exactly? 5th: Physical meanness/violence and siblings trying to enforce parents’ instructions(instead of letting the parents be the parents) My four year old frequently breaks down crying when his feelings get hurt. I struggle with knowing whether or not to hug him back with compassion or calmly request that he talk to me calmly when he comes to me crying. His sisteroften will not share her things with him. I tell him that if she doesn’t share with him, it’s like getting a no answer and he can disagree appropriately with her. I am not sure if I should instruct her to share them. Please help! My 2 yr old daughter is having trouble sleeping and staying in her bed at night. So is there anything more to it than continually putting her back in her bed and both parents being consistent? Thoughts? THANK YOU! Sometimes it’s just so hard to “stay strong,” like you said before. A few nights ago, my kids were stressing me out. It was bedtime and I didn’t feel like handling it. So, I just went to bed and told them to put themselves to bed. What should I do instead?
This call was longer than usual, but so very good. The questions were about many different aged children and stages of Teaching Self-Government. These were the questions: How about a spouse? How do I communicate with my husband constructively? We were at the dinner table and someone was picked to say the prayer. My four-year-old son wanted to be picked and threw a major fit during the prayer. He has a very hard time accepting “no” answers.Once Isitting at time out with him for about 10 minutes, prepared to wait it out no matter how long it took. My husband came in and tag teamed me out so I could go eat my dinner. About five minutes later, my husband and son were talking and laughing and he was coming calmly to the kitchen table. I asked my husband how he did it. He said he distracted him. I know my husband didn’t role play with him, how to accept a “No” answer regarding to saying prayers- but he did get him back to the table calmly.Where are we going wrong? How can we get him to stay on time out on his own? My 11 year old son did a few SODAS the other day. For one of his options he put “eat tofu.” In my head I was half way laughing. I smiled and said “very funny son” and then had him briefly verbalize a better option with disadvantages and advantages. Do you think I should been more serious with him? Should I have insisted that he re-write the SODAS? What do you do when a child is buckled in a seat belt and she continues to scream and scream and she doesn’t care that she isn’t calm? Also, my sonis upset because we told him we wouldn’t “ground him” as he had seen other kids have happen. Anyway, he feels like we lied to him because he feels like the loss of privileges is like grounding.Any suggestions on how to help him see that we didn’t lie to him or betray him? And, one family I know gives their kids what they would spend each month on the child for clothes, etc. This is not based on earning for chores –? What do you think about that? One more question. We have talked in the past about something similar to the idea of a family phone since none of our kids have phones. Could you give me any advice on this? I have been working with my children on accepting an instruction correctly but my 10 year old son with ADHD just escalates and will scream that he needs to calm down alone and to leave him alone. Should I allow him a few minutes to get calm on his own and then talk to him? My question is concerning my 21-year-old son. Before his mission he conquered an addiction, served his mission, and he recently returned from his mission and immediately started a demanding job with irregular hours. However, I see him slipping into an addiction ofonline gaming. How do I let him know I can SEE his addictions, and I want to help him? I want to implement all the principles of TSG with him – Just not sure how to approach it with an ‘adult’ child. I am struggling to make our teaching/practice moments positive experiences for our family. I wondered if some fun games (either role playing or other ) would help. In your videos you played “tug of war” and “raccoon circles” to help teach family unity. Do you have other games you play to help teach self government principles to children/youth? My 8-year-old daughter is a little too controlling and steps in to correct her friends and siblings even when it is unnecessary. Can you help me with some exact word choices on what to say to her when she is acting controlling or condescending with others?
We had some questions concerning spouse relationships and teen behaviors. The call was very good and it clarified what should be done and what not to do in these situations.
This call had some different questions, including stress and pregnancy, and trying not to coddle and pamper children. They were good questions to get you thinking about what to do in those same situations.
This call was great. We had some nice questions, although on the last one, we weren’t able to record the comments made by the person who asked the question. But, other than that, the call was wonderful. Also, we have created a new facebook group specifically for our support group members! Request membership to the group here and post all your thoughts and questions to each other.https://www.facebook.com/groups/tsgsupport/
Friday’s call had some very new questions that were very enlightening and very good to ponder on. These are the questions: My oldest child will be 16 next month. He has always had oppositional behavior since he was 4. t seems we have always had a hard time with this negative attention seeking behavior which brings in discord during times we most want to feel unity and the spirit in our home. He also told us he does not believe in Christ and he is Atheist, that his testimony of Atheism is just a strong as our testimony of Christ. He is beyond spiritual feelings and can logic and reason everything to his side. My fear is that my other 4 children will be affected by this in a detrimental way. We have an 18 year old son (senior in high school – homeschooled) who is addicted to social media. What should we do exactly? My daughter has so many papers, etc, that she hoards in her room. You told me a couple of weeks ago to help her get rid of stuff, but evey time I go in there, I get overwhelmed. She likes to go through and keep the things of her late mother in her room. Suggestions? Why is it so important to seek to understand? What do I do if my child earns a chre in the middle of school time? I’ve just had some major losses in my family and my children are extremely clingy. What do I do about that? I have heard you say before that someone can develop a habit of being depressed. How does someone fall into this pattern? Again, NO CALL on the 28th.
Valentine’s Day is a day with a fun tradition for us. We make breakfast in bed. It just so happened to be on a Friday this year. So, as usual, I did this last week’s Support group call. The questions asked for the call were good. A couple were a review of lasat week, but we were able to get some new insight on them and expound on them even better.
Yesterday’s call had some amazing questions. Some of them are not asked very often and aren’t too common. These are the questions: I have a 10 year old dreamer daughter. She has always been a dreamer. She is artistic and extremely imaginative. When I read Anne of Green Gables, all the imagining reminds me of my daughter. This daughter has a very poor work ethic when it comes to anything mundane or out of the realm of art/dreaming. After visiting some cousins my 4 yr old son is now afraid of the dark and afraid of ghosts and other animals or monsters coming to get him. My question is about healthy boundaries. I have a sister who, over the years, has gotten herself into several situations financially that she has had to ask for help for. I’ve felt like she just uses me for money. When I put my foot down and say no because I do not agree with her actions and selfish behavior that led to her financial stress, she gets offended. I have a two year old that wakes up once a night around 3:00 am. This same daughter won’t take her afternoon nap. We home school and have 7 kids and it is hard to get the house quieted down every afternoon. And she won’t stay in bed. Also, I have a 9 year old daughter whohas a hard time putting her feelings and thought into words. My middle child, a girl, just turned 6 and she has a lot of trouble accepting “no” answers and disagreeing appropriately. Lately, she has been treating her older brother (8 years old) very poorly. What do you do when your child is out of instructional control and they aren’t willing to hand over their possession with which they they no longer have privileges?
Friday’s call was short but sweet. We had some really good questions: My daughter lies about so many things, and she seems to only care about being caught. The mess in her room is often up to our knees – she has hoarder tendencies – and I don’t know how to help her over that. My oldest son is 17 and a senior in high school this year. My husband and I are concerned about his lack of gratitude and appreciation for things we do for him. We struggle with dinner time rules and etiquette. Any thoughts? When someone is out of control, and we’ve done the Rule of Three, is it okay to let them read a book?
Friday’s call was full of so many good questions! Here they are: If someone walks away during the Rule of Three, do they immediately earn a total loss of all priviledges? My son has ADHD and I have a light case of ADD. He doesn’t know he has it yet, but I’m hesitant to tell him. He gets angry easily and doesn’t like the Rule of Three. Is it okay to give him time to calm down before starting the Rule of Three? What is it with 11-year-olds? They seem to be the focus of a lot of the questions. I have an 11-year-old and I need to know what to do besides accept hard knocks. What would would you suggest? I want to have a Mentor Session with my ADHD son, but my husband thinks it wouldn’t go well. How would I run the Mentor Session and should I have one? My daughter stole out from midnight until two. Therefore, I didn’t let her go to a dance the next night. She was given an iPod and she has now bought herself one as well. She has accounts on it that are not good and she didn’t receive permission for those or the iPod itself. I’ve thought of multiple consequences for this. I’m usually fine if she tells me, on her own, that she’s made a mistake. But if I find out on my own, it bugs me a lot. What should I do? My 4-year-old son lost his movie priviledge and doesn’t care that it’s gone. I wasn’t quite sure what to do. If I took him to Time Out, is it okay to hold him there? My son is often out of instructional control. When he is, he thinks he can do whatever he wants. He’s gone for 9 days of being out of control before. He teases his siblings and likes “talk time” because that is his love language. How would you recommend I handle this? How do I bring together my job and my mission? What can I do to teach my 14-year-old daughter and myself social skills? Also, others are judging my decisions for schooling.
Yesterday’s call was full of insight! I think the questions that were asked opened everyone’s understanding just a little bit more. These are the questions we had: I have a 11-year-old son who makes his sister the enemy. We have tried many things. What more can we do? My daughter is almost 16 and she is not obeying our family rules when it comes to electronics. She is sneaking them around, she is hiding them from me, and her friends are sending her devices. It feels like she is so desperate to reach out to her friends that she’s lying and sneaking, when all she needs to do is be honest and upfront. What would you recommend? We had an issue where Grandpa went against my wishes. He came to take my daughter to babysit her and I told him “No candy.” On the way back to his home, he bought her an ice cream cone, saying it was “sweets,” not candy.Should I not even send her to Grandma and Grandpa’s house? Please talk about to what extent “my being there” is necessary and how you make judgment calls. My 4-year-old son speaks really loudly. It’s a problem because he wakes his two-year-old sister in the morning. While I shower every morning, he and my husband watch a movie (or two). I think he is getting too addicted to media. My husband doesn’t agree. What do you recommend?
We had some great questions on the call today. Here are a few of the things we discussed: Thoughts on the changes brought by the new year Discussion on choosing to parent differently than I was raised What is personal vision and how can it be achieved? My 4-year-old who has had several behaviors I have not known what to do with. What are appropritate consequences for his actions? I’m notsureifIam lecturingor if I am being deliberate.Whatisthedifference? I keep hearing about relationships and sacrifice. What am I supposed to be sacrificing to be able to improve relationships?
A few of thesneak peakswe talked about are: Creatinga culture that will help the children want Christmas gifts that willhelp them grow up Incrediblediscussion on Scrooge and the Power of Christmas (we turned this into a mini-class) Shouldbe concerned about my 4-year-old boy wearing girl clothes? Fosteringa culture to help boys become men Creating safeboundaries for having weapons AmI over indulging them if I give them lots of presents? Awesomeway to gifts to symbolize gold, frankincense, and myrrh
This call covers: How to help children with a lack of interest in going to church How do I train an 18-month-old to accept No answers? How can I get answers to prayer? The importance of eye contact. Connecting while correcting Staying up too late and modesty in age 17 daughter Fighting: when to and when not to When is friend time good and when is it bad? How do I know when it’s been too much?
Today Nicholeen answered these questions: Our favorite holiday traditions. My 8 year old is having anxiety at bedtime and she says she is scared. My husband says she is manipulating me. What do you think about the “crying it out” philosophy? How can I help her not be scared? I have a 16 year old daughter who is struggling with depression and I don’t know what to do. What can I do to help her? I’ve been working with my 20 month old to follow instructions. Sometimes she does great and we dance when she checks back. Lately she’s been forgetting to check back. Is the praise getting old? I recently listened to your “Starting your Homeschool Right” talk in which you mention teaching your children to read with forty minutes and four songs. Is that a product that is still available? Can you elaborate on this? My four year old son is struggling to follow instructions and I am getting frustrated. I feel like I am ordering him around and I’m afraid he won’t follow the instruction. I just keep trying to force, and it don’t work at all. I am falling short somewhere. I’m not exactly sure what I am missing. I love your quote of “Speed is not nearly important as the impact. Can you elaborate on this? What can I do to be more calm and trust that he will follow my instructions? My 4 year old son has asked to ‘borrow’ toys from friends and when I say no, he puts the toys in his pockets. My friend suggested he go give the toy back himself instead of me doing it. How would you handle this?
Today Nicholeen answered questions about: What is ex-post-facto law? How can it help me to stop spontaneously giving consequences to my children? We have been having success with the older children by using the flow of the choices map and the rule of three, but I still struggle with the younger ones. Can you skip the first steps for more serious misdeeds like hitting/name-calling? Where or when on the chart would you fit in a loss of screen/treat privilege? If you need to get calm, and your children follow you to your calm spot what should you do? My 14-year-old daughter has seen a judge and will be going to live in a foster home. I need to know what to expect and how to best help her through this. How can I best work with the legal system? How much say do I have? I have twin teen daughters who are detached from the family because we have such busy lives. I see them going down a path I sent down. How can I help them develop good self-worth?
Today Nicholeen answered these questions: I recently learned of a program called “Celebrate Calm”. They teach some distracting techniques to getting calm. Does something like this ever have a place in TSG? If I distract him from a tantrum am I tricking him or helping him in the long run? Learn how to teach your child skills that will help him choose not have the temper tantrum in the first place. I want my daughter to learn to speak with her own voice and not mine. How do I make the transition from whispering her talks in her ear to her writing and speaking with her own voice. Learn how to help your child write their own talks and also what other amazing results can happen when a child learns to speak with their own voice. We will soon be adopting my husband’s 3-year-old nephew. What can we do to prepare and help him once he gets here? See how TSG can help you make smoother family transitions. I have to sit with my 9-year-old son to practice his cello. How do I get him to not hate his music practice time? Learn how you can inspire your child to study music by letting go of the anxiety and the power struggle. I had someone tell me they think my son and I are ADD. Should I get my son tested? Learn how can TSG help ADHD children to overcome the challenges of learning disorders. My 20-month old daughter is trying to potty train. Is she ready? How is the Aponte family doing in Guatemala?
On today’s call, Nicholeen answered the following questions: My parents have a 28 years old son living at home. He has no job, and he is addicted to online gaming. The only advice they’ve received is that they need to kick him out, but they don’t feel that that is the right thing to do. Would you describe what you would do in this situation? What do you recommend be the consequence for sneaking out a bedroom window? My 14-year-old will be going before a judge next week and the probation officer is going to recommend that she go to detention. What do you think of programs where one can send a troubled teen for a few months This question is somewhat of a “disagree appropriately” to a previous question discussed some time ago on emotionally emoting. I have been thinking about a question you discussed some time ago about emotional vomit and the story discussed in someone else’s article of the little girl who had to “just get it out” in the morning and then she was better.Do you think there is a natural biological process in cleansing emotionally? What process do you go through to cleanse out negative emotion? In your book you talk about high tolerances and low tolerances. Is it possible to have too low of a tolerance of behaviors? My husband is a very exact person. If he tries do something he follows the rules exactly. Is there room for mercy in this parenting method? While this is a great blessing to our family it is also difficult as the kids get consequences for every single wrong action. Is there anything more I can do or is it just a case of waiting till my husband conquers this? We are having a dawdling problem of epic proportions at our house! Both my 9-year-old son and my 12-year-old son are having troubles with this issue. I feel like I am having to crack a whip all day long to keep things productive and am getting a bit stressed out. What are your suggestions? I have noticed that I typically sound mean/stern when I correct him. What is the best way to change your tone and transmit love while correcting? How do I gain that trust that they want to do good?
Today Nicholeen answered these questions: My 14-year-old is running away frequently as a power struggle. Is the 24 hours loss of privileges a big enough consequence? My children ask for toys all the time at the store. Would allowance help with this? How can I teaching him to have a good relationship with money? Is loosing a snack a better consequence than doing an extra chore? I feel like when my 5-year-old earns extra chores it makes it harder on me than him. How can I fix this? I want my son to have a more active mentoring relationship with his Scout Leader. How can I foster a better relationship to help him? My 15-year-old son is a good kid but he’d developing a problem with lying. Would my catching him in the lie ruin my relationship with him? What can I do to help him?
Today Nicholeen answered these questions: How Do I Get Them To Do Their Chores? What do I do if my husband doesn’t want to lead family meetings? How do I improve the depth of my communication with my husband? Simulations and Debriefing on The Blanket & Pinata Soft Hold- When, How, and How Long? Two ways of transformational change How do I train my selfish 11-year-old to become a man? Addicted to Sugar Honesty Talks With Kids About Santa and The Birds And The Bees