Yesterday, our 7 year old daughter (diagnosed with ADHD) got frustrated with her younger brother (3 years old), and kicked him hard enough that he fell over. They were outside, so she was wearing shoes. Unfortunately this was not the first time that she has resorted to physical aggression with him. She also kicked him in the chest inside the house a couple of weeks ago.

The really disturbing thing that we’re seeing is that she doesn’t show any remorse for her actions and gets angry when we try to explain to her that what she did was wrong. At other times she yells, hits, or pinches. Also, on multiple occasions while having a tantrum she has screamed that she wants to kill us. We’re looking for any sort of advice or counsel on how to work through this issue. She’s such a thoughtful, deep, gentle girl and these moments are scary and we worry for her future (and the safety of our children) if she continues to lash out like this.

This question is from Kami Lewis:

Nicholeen,

I am struggling with my 5 year old daughter. I have 4 children. Ages 9,7,5 and 18 months. My daughter does all sorts of naughty things to get attention. For example she will take toys and hit people with them, push her little sister over, hurt sister intentionally, Run around the house screaming, tease her older brother until he explodes etc. I think this is because she feels lost in the chaos of a big family. Do you have any advice for me?

I read your book a few years ago and I also have your 4 children’s books. Thanks so much for your help!

Kami Lewis.

Our 5 children are 15mo-9 years old. The backtalk is out of control. I feel like I can’t get through any period of the day without corrections on back talk on literally most things I say. Please help!

So my daughter turns 18 in January and will graduate from our homeschool in May before she leaves for college next fall. I want to prepare and graduate her to wise technology use and habits. We have been a very low-tech family all along, but she did get a limited smartphone (Pinwheel) when she was 15 1/2 and has now had an iPhone for about a year now. We teach about tools vs toys and creating over consuming. We use Apple ScreenTime, Bark and Covenant Eyes to provide protection and controls on her phone and laptop. She is responsible in many ways (works a job, takes online dual enrollment classes, etc), but she does struggle with impulse control, which we see in many areas, especially in her relationship with food and books. (I know that having an addicted reader for a child may sound like a "problem" that many parents would love to have, but her relationship with reading tends to create problems similar to what you typically see with youth who are addicted to technology use–she consumes books to excess, often choosing to read over sleep at night and sometimes literally all night long, she is constantly seeking for more stimulation, and often uses reading as a way to isolate herself and not have to interact with people.)
We have tried to slowly allow greater technology access over the past few months, in order to help her be able to practice while she is still in our home where we can teach and correct her. It has been a challenge, though, especially with her reading obsession, as she tends to seek out and find places online where she can read fan fiction or other unpublished authors who have put their work online for free. She now wants to get a Kindle Unlimited, and I see all kinds of red flags about that, both from a content and time management perspective. But she is getting closer to being out on her own, and I wonder if it would be better for her to have more technology freedom, so she can test the waters while she is in the safe environment of our home where we can observe and give corrective feedback, instead of her having to figure all that out herself when she is on her own in less than a year. I wonder if we should scale back on the parental controls or let her be the one to manipulate the controls so that she is deciding what they are (but could still change them herself, much like I do). Do you have any counsel on how to approach this? How do we help her to grow her technology skills in the limited time we have left with her at home?

Last week you recommended the books “Bad Therapy” and “The Invincible Family”. I just finished The Invincible Family today, and am planning to read the other one soon, and would love more book recommendations of some of the books that have made the biggest impact on you and prepared you for living your mission. We are a new to TJEd family and I see myself following in your footsteps to help strengthen families but right now I’m trying to learn as much as I can. I realize my education thus far hasn’t matched my mission and I’m hungry to learn. I would love any advice/ source/ book recommendations you may have. Thank you so much!

I have a highly intelligent, freshly-5-year-old. My son understands all of the preteachings (and summarizes back to me) when he is calm. He does SODA exercises effortlessly when he's calm. He is extremely kind, considerate, and helpful when he's calm. He happily does his consequences when he's calm… But he almost always tries to play pretend (to varying degrees), and this creates issues with listening and such. He has hardly any concept of danger or empathy. He is frequently an impulsive bully to others (randomly hitting, pushing, spitting, etc), again. He is a threat to himself and his surroundings when he chooses to lose control; and gets AGGRESSIVE (verbally and physically). Nobody can figure out what triggers the meltdowns, and the frequency and duration vary drastically… So I will use the example of the Calm Down Spot as the basis of my question. When he's out of instructional control, I end up having to wrap my arms and legs around him (firmly, but gently) to get him to stay put, while also protecting myself from his physical attacks. Most of the time, he will fight me for upwards of 20+ minutes, until my husband finally comes in and takes over. And sometimes, even after he has "calmed down," he will turn it into a game of trying to break free, and refuse to stay seated (and still refuse to accept his no answer, consequence, etc). He talks back, including "no, mom, YOU need to accept the no answer" (referencing him telling me that he will not accept his consequences). We have resorted to strapping him into a carseat in his calm down spot, in order to protect everything/everyone, and be able to tend to our baby while my son is choosing to lose control… My husband and I speak calmly and directly. We are consistent. We give him TONS of love, praise, and attention when he's choosing self control. His teacher is on the same page as well (he is a problem-child at school, so we are in frequent contact with his teacher)… He understands it all when he's calm, but his emotions and self-entitlement are wildly out of control (I don't think this can be genetic, necessarily, but I will mention that his biological dad is scarily similar).. We are a calm, stable home. We have strong LDS values. I've prayed, read parenting books, talked to professionals, and nothing has helped much. Your teachings have taken the edge off, though… What are we doing wrong and how can we fix it?

My child , (12 yrs old) is really wanting to connect with friends online while he games. (Minecraft for example) I’m trying to navigate this in the best way…

My spouse says it should be ok, as long as it someone he knows. However these kids from school are mostly just acquaintances, I tell him it takes time to get to know someone before u want to consider them a friend.

I’m not sure what to do.. I have a lot of worries with this.. but so far he’s been patient before we revisit the conversation again.

Can you offer some advice?

Thanks in advance

HI Nicholeen My daughter has some weird behaviors she's always been very impulsive. Here are some of the behaviors going downstairs in the basement spray painting a cabinet. Making food
Using weird items like pancake mix cornstarch Powdered sugar flour Half a bottle of vanilla . Put in in the waffle maker in burning up. Just recently she started a afterschool program. She really enjoys. But while my mom drops her off at the program she hides on the floor of the car until the kids are gone. Then she gets out and go's in. I thought she was getting over her shines, especially doing her routine in gymnastics all by yourself. But when I get mad, I say hurtful things. Like what is wrong with you? Normal people don't do those things. Especially when it's one thing after another all in the same day. I know that's a horrible thing. You should never say to your children. And the sad thing is she still loves me also wanting a hug. Especially since her mom abandoned her and I'm her aunt but she calls me mom. She's been with me for 8 years she came to me at age 3.5years old and is now 11.8 years. I just Don't understand her behaviors And she has no clue of why. Thanks Maureen PS I will be listening.

Hello!

I felt compelled to share some of our family’s story & progress. Our story isn’t perfect, Lord knows that’s a fallacy, but it is honest and I hope it can help just one family struggling and serve a purpose. Our family’s story isn’t over either, so I ask for all your prayers for our continued growth towards love, support, encouragement, cooperation, respect, patience, wisdom, discipline and of course, SELF GOVERNMENT.

For parents out there who might be feeling frustration, anger, discouragement, strife at home, blamed or disrespected by your family, alone, not knowing what to do, who to turn to and maybe even hopeless….You are not alone and I have experienced all those things. Keep at it. As a message I heard once states, fake it til you become it. Maybe that sounds a bit superficial, but there’s some science to it & for me, the TSG scripts and skills, have allowed me to work towards that. They’ve give me a process and words to say, went I felt those emotions (and still do, even if to a lesser extent now than in the past). I’ve read TONS of books, & some really good ones, but TSG has by far been the most complete, principle-based, thorough, simple (not easy), grounded in biblical and real human experience & science.

I know I said I’d share a little bit of our story, but since I’ve got to be brief, suffice to say I used to choose to allow anger, resentment, frustration, anxiety, fear, social pressures and my ego drive my choices as a father and husband. Having children that began to become defiant, oppositional, angry, disrespectful was quite the challenge for me. Well, I did what most parents probably do. I looked for answers on how to change my family members! Of course, I’ve realized pretty clearly now, I needed self government & 4 basic skills more than anyone! If I expect my young children to learn and practice this stuff, I’d better be sure to! I mean I’m 47, they’re just kids! Now, I’m not saying it’s been easy (at all), but it’s been tremendously rewarding & I only wish I would’ve found this program years ago. I’m still dealing with opposition and defiance from my family, I still experience some of the emotions that used to drive my choices, but now I have a plan & each day I’m getting better at it! This is, as Nicholeen once said to me, ENDURANCE PARENTING.

I wish I could write more, hope this helps someone out there. Remember, success requires many steps, progress requires one. Keep taking 1 step as often as possible. God bless!

Hi Nicholeen,

Thanks so much for all your wisdom. I’ve been “binge listening” to these support calls like a podcast. I’m all the way to last October. It’s amazing how much wisdom I glean from random calls that I would never have picked to listen to individually.

As I’ve been listening, I’ve been making note of your book recommendations. I have noticed that you frequently reference A Thomas Jefferson Education and other books in the TJEd series as well as The Coddling of the American Mind, The Cancelling of the American Mind, Bad Therapy and Irreversible Damage by Abigail Shrier, and The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin. I was wondering what other books have been most influential to your thinking, whether regarding parenting, psychology, homeschooling, spirituality, or other facets of life?

Thank you!